I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
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He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
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Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...