I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
worst night to have a conscience
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Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
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New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"