Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.