Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
