I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
