Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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