you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
