I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
