Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
