maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
