tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
