Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
