Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
