I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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