If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
