Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Kiss
Puke
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
