I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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