Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
