the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
