I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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