i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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