Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
