thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
