Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
