Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Everclear isn't food dammit
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
