After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
