hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
