Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
