you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
