It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
