And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
