this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
