They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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