Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
