Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
