is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
