time to smoke my breakfast
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
