Someone shit on the floor
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
