mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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