matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
