The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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