Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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