Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
