I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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