Plan B is the new Plan A
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
