I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
