he was CRYING into my vagina
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
