Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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