My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
