you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
