we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
