..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
