you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
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captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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