Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
