and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
