nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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