well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
