I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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